Tuesday, August 17, 2010

She's Baa-aack

What? I didn't realize she was ever gone??

I don't know if this is an apology, an explanation, or hopefully to help someone else.

A little over a month ago I was talking to a friend who also recently had a baby, and she was describing her struggle with Post Pardum Depression. As I listened I felt so bad for her. "Glad I don't have that... " Then she said something that really struck me "I just wanted to feel like myself again"

For the past few months I have NOT felt like MYSELF. I thought it was just everyday struggles (you know the whole waiting to get in to Pacific only to not get in, to get my hopes up for Puerto Rico to not get in either, to realize it is time to start the whole yucky reapplication process again stuff) I thought I was just avoiding things I liked because they were distracting me from taking care of my family. ("calling a friend is time away from my baby", I know, it sounds nuts) I thought I was staying up all night because I don't NEED sleep (not because I have insomnia and CAN'T fall asleep) And I did not realize that these are all signs of depression.

I thought that because I am not crying, or staying in bed I must not be depressed. I thought that if I just prayed more, or studied my scriptures more I would feel better. I thought that Satan was just working REALLY hard to discourage me. I found myself thinking "IT shouldn't be THIS hard!" "I shouldn't have to read my scriptures for HOURS a day to feel happy" "I shouldn't still feel stressed even after I go to the gym" (which use to be my release) "My calling should not feel overwhelming" "I am avoiding my friends because I just don't have time"

Suddenly after talking to this friend it ALL MADE SENSE. This coincidentally began 6 weeks after Macie was born! And just progressively got worse as time went on.

Everyone reacts differently to Depression. I started to have sever panic attacks, and then to have times where I completely shut down. I didn't know how to talk to any one about it- because I was still struggling to even have a desire TO talk to anyone. Finally- thanks to the wonderful world of prescription medicine (which I am normally not a fan of medicine) and some wonderful blessings (which I definitely AM a fan of!) I am FINALLY STARTING TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN.

Most of you probably had no idea. But some of you noticed and wondered what the heck was wrong with me :)
Most of you aren't too surprised when I don't answer my phone, or check my email, or respond to a text. But some of you did notice. And I hope you realize (my favorite line from the YSA years) It's not you- It's ME.

SO I feel like I'm Back, mostly.
What does that mean? Ok, let's be honest, I still probably won't answer my phone, or check my email, or remember get togethers that I am suppose to go to. BUT I will at least WANT to do those things! I still may need some patience as you try to invite me to play groups, or for me to call you back, but I am trying. :)

So the moral of the story is:
This wacky depression stuff can happen to ANYONE. And it isn't cool. But I am grateful for friends who bring flowers, jam, and words of encouragement, who keep trying to call me. I am grateful for friends who talk about things like depression- because it makes it easier for me to talk about it and accept it. I am grateful for a husband who has been absolutely patient and tender hearted as he has watched his wife fall completely apart and slowly come back together. I am grateful for "happy pills" that actually work! I am grateful that Macie has STILL been my Peace through all of this. I am grateful for the Atonement, and the recognition that it even covers this. That He knows exactly how it feels to not be myself and not like it. And I am grateful to start feeling like I'm coming back.