Thursday, January 28, 2010

So that I don't have to tell the story 100 times....

Since most of you knew that JT would be hearing back from Pacific University this week about PA school- I thought I would just put it here... So that I don't have to tell this story 100 times...

"CAST NOT AWAY THEREFORE THY CONFIDENCE... for ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise... we are not of them that draw back."
Heb 10:35
"In Latter-day Saint talk that is to say, Sure it is tough... but don’t draw back. Don’t panic and retreat. Don’t lose your confidence. Don’t forget how you once felt. Don’t distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses and Joseph Smith when the adversary confronted them, and it is what will save you."
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Sooooo.... I am feeling very "confronted" by the adversary.

Two years ago, while visiting my parents on their mission in Wash D.C., JT and I came to the realization that it was time to change careers. It was very scary to think of leaving behind Real Estate which had been going well for JT and to start all over in the Medical field. But we knew that with his huge heart, and the dreams we have for our future, he needed to find a field where he could be serving. Since then, JT has worked nights in the ER, gone back to school during the day to get all of the necessary prerequisites for PA school (that were not required for the Bachelor's degree that he completed a few years ago), and continued to do Real Estate to support our growing family. The last two years have felt like one exhausting sacrifice after another (and I am not just talking about giving up Lancome Mascara!). But we have never regretted this decision- knowing that we were led by the Spirit.

Since he finished the application process in September, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Right when we were thinking we had no hope of getting in this year (which we had heard is common to not be accepted your first year) an email came from Pacific University in Oregon saying that we were on a waitlist for an interview!! The same peaceful reassurance that we are on the right track returned to us and our excitement grew. We knew it was still a long shot to get an interview but we felt good about it and prepared for the interview. Well, he got the interview and we went down to Oregon together. Pacific University explained that with over 1000 applicants, only about 125 would be chosen to interview and of those- only 42 would be admitted to the school. Kind of overwhelming odds. But we still felt like we are on the right track and that this is where the Lord wants us.

SOOOO that leads me to the part of the story I don't want to tell 100 times :)
On Wed JT got an email back from Pacific saying that he is again on the WAITLIST for acceptance. (and he isn't exactly high up on that list) The odds are stacked against us that enough people will turn down their acceptance to the school for us to be accepted. (I just noticed how I always say US as if I am involved in the process, just like I always say US when talking about pregnancy, as if HE is involved in that process!!) Needless to say, It's a long shot. A very long shot. But for this year, it is our ONLY shot. And it seems hopeless.

So where do we go from here? What do we do now? What happens when Heavenly Father tells you something is right and the rest of the world keeps telling you it is wrong? What about when you know that your husband is meant for this- and someone else says maybe he isn't?

Enter Jeffrey R. Holland
"...beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."

The reason I don't want to tell this story over and over again isn't because I want to cry when I think of us putting this off another year (which I do), or because it breaks my heart to think of ANYONE rejecting my wonderful husband (which it does), or because I think that this isn't the right decision (which seems to be the obvious answer)...

It is because SOMEHOW I STILL THINK THIS IS RIGHT and somehow I STILL THINK IT IS GOING TO WORK OUT!! It sounds crazy. It is practically impossible to think that he can still get in- and yet I do. Am I being naive? Am I just not ready to let it go-- or admit that I misunderstood what the Spirit was trying to tell me?

Or is this FAITH?
The kind of faith that Elder Holland talks about. The kind of faith that Ether talks about.
Is it really harder for JT to get into PA school than for the brother of Jared to move a mountain?

I know it sounds dumb to still think he is getting in-- that is why I can't keep telling this story over and over! I can't handle anyone thinking I am being naive or trusting the wrong thing. I can't have anyone telling me to go back on what I once thought was right, even if they think it is to prevent more heartache down the road. I am not ready to give up yet. Don't get me wrong, I still want to cry about it. But until the bell rings on the first day of school without him, I will plan on him being there.

"Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going."
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland June 2000 Liahona

P.S. That is actually the link to his talk since I think EVERYONE should read the whole thing! The quotes just aren't enough!