Thursday, March 25, 2010

Crazy Hormones

When I was leaving the Hospital the Nurse said that the Hormones you build up over the past 9 months come crashing back to "normal" within the first 2 weeks. SO most women are a little crazy those first few weeks.

Not ME. The first few weeks I am in Baby Bliss! I love it all!

But WEEKS 4-6 are a different story!!
That would explain the BREAK DOWN about my JEANS yesterday and being insane enough to think that I would want to give up TREATS!!
THAT is why I began running a few years ago in the first place! So that I could justify eating what I want.
I WILL CUT BACK and NOT EAT a donut and Cinnabon in the same hour... but no other promises.


P.S. I have learned a trick for HOW TO BAKE MY CAKE AND NOT EAT IT TOO...

Riley and I DID make our Easter Egg Nests like she wanted. The TRICK to NOT EATING the ENTIRE batch is to accidentally NOT PAY ATTENTION (very likely for me) and ACCIDENTALLY DOUBLE the BUTTER so that the nests are a disgusting oily mess!! :) IT WORKED! I didn't even finish ONE! :)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i just can't do it

The Baby High is starting to wear off.

I always come home from the Hospital and spend a few weeks on cloud 9 looking at my baby and basking in the joy that comes from labor and now holding a teeny tiny new born. I don't worry about anything else but soaking up all of that baby.

Like my other two- recovery has been great! And it doesn't hurt that the SUN is out and I have been able to run a few times a week. Macie is sweet and sleepy still, so I don't even feel overwhelmed with the addition of a third!

So what has got me down??


With both Riley and Blake I was in my Pre-Pregnancy JEANS within a week or so of being home. In fact, with Blake we went on vacation to San Diego when he was 2 weeks old and I walked around the beach and pool in a BATHING SUIT!! (my pre-pregnancy TOPS never fit, because of the "extra D" that I add on with breast feeding- but that is OK) What is NOT ok is trying to cinch up Maternity jeans on my NON-Maternity butt!

I could ask: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??

But then I remember the day before I had Macie and I ate a Donut (of course), a Cinnabon (and a half when no one was looking) 2 giant Choc cookies, and a regular cookie ON TOP of my regular meals. And although that seems extravagant- that was my diet my whole last month of pregnancy!!

My Nightly Routine has been to put the kids down and then dish up a bowl of ice cream!

My Breakfast Routine was a Donut with my Chocolate Milk and cereal!

P.S. This BLOG is for ME-- so NO ONE is ALLOWED to JUDGE or make COMMENTS on my Horrible eating the last month of pregnancy!

Anyways, Jt and I decided to go off of "Desserts" (although the word Dessert implies AFTER dinner- and I am talking desserts ALL DAY LONG) We have decided to do one free day a week that we can indulge in ice cream and cookies and whatever strange garbage I am craving...

ALL I THINK about is how I CAN'T have ice cream. And even WORSE- how I CAN'T BAKE anything!! It is EASTER TIME! My oven should be filled with Lemon Bars, Angel Food Cake, and of course Easter Egg Sugar Cookies!! And what about those cute egg shaped Rice Krispee Treats? And Riley wants to make the little Noodle Nests with Robin's Eggs... and that gets me started on Easter Candy!! It is two weeks away and I haven't even had a Cadbury Egg yet!! (no, not the mini eggs- I have actually had lots of those) I can't take it anymore!

It is ONE thing to give up eating junk during the week... but BAKING it too??? But I REALLY don't have the self restraint to bake a batch of Sugar Cookies and not eat them!

SO, do I give up?
Do I resign myself to this yucky flabby body and say what I always hear "that 3rd one is the hardest to lose"
Do I try to figure out a way to run twice as often (which is not easy juggling around 3 kids and naps and nursing every few hours!)
Do I just buck up and shut up and try to find a new hobby besides baking?


Monday, March 15, 2010


It is NO SURPRISE that my kids are a little crazy. I recognize that I chose to turn their lives upside down by having another child. I realize it is not their fault that I am up in the middle of the night nursing, or that EVERY time they need something- I am nursing again! And yet, I keep taking it out on them, and they are definitely taking it out on ME! We have tried giving them JT's or my undivided attention, or having Riley's favorite nursery teacher take them for a day and spoil them rotten, we have even tried the TV! But the bottom line is: This is their NEW LIFE. And we have to find some kind of compromise to get us back into REALITY...

SO I have tried PARENTING BOOKS, asking my PEDIATRICIAN, and even just throwing it all out the window and yelling... so far I haven't found a CURE for the CRAZIES...


After the kids were down for their naps, JT was paying bills, and the house was peaceful...
I grabbed my Ipod, laced up the tennis shoes, squished "the girls" into a DD Sports Bra (and that was a squish!), and took off.

Yes, My lungs hurt, My knees hurt, My ankles hurt... But after about a mile- I didn't feel like yelling at anyone! I forgot how running feels like meditation! And I WAS FREE!! For the first time in 3 weeks- I was doing something FOR ME. I wasn't doing it for Macie, or Riley, or even JT. I was all alone, running by the little pond, listening to birds, and absolutely content.

Soon, I was delusional enough (and not just because of the pain) to think I was a GOOD MOM and RETURN BACK HOME!!

Despite all of the books, advice, and help we have received these past few weeks- the thing that has made me feel like I can cope with this huge change (and not give away any of my children) was a simple run :)

But tomorrow I am going to PAY for it... my legs are SO SORE!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

FEBRUARY 25, 2010- Un Edited (meaning VERY LONG) Version


KT waking up, looking at the clock "yes! JT let me sleep in! Now, let's get JT and the kids off to ballet and I can take my time getting ready before my Doctor's appointment." smiling to myself.
9:25 am
"man am I ready to have a baby" pouting to myself, the little pout that only JT falls for "maybe I should get the Hospital Bag ready in case they HAVE to induce me today!" smiling a little "Ok, I don't REALLY want to be induced. I just want to have this baby today!" which is weird, since I am totally NOT ready at all!

10:00 am
"Oh no, I am late! took to long doing my hair! At least it looks good if I go into labor!" stomach growls loudly "oh dang it, no time for breakfast" I grab a chocolate donut, one of the ones that JT considers a miracle like the fishes and the loaves because SOMEHOW whenever we run out-- more magically appear on our counter... I have got to stop this habit! "I should REALLY eat a better breakfast! If they HAVE to induce me" smiling to myself because this is so dumb "they won't let me eat- and I will need the energy! Wait! If they induce me- can I still go NATURAL?" pouting again as I realize how dumb this all sounds- even in my own head. "Katie! Just ENJOY this last week of pregnancy! JT has the kids- go shopping, do all of the things you won't be able to do with THREE kids!!" This makes me smile again and I don't mind that all I have eaten is a lousy donut. At least I can go shopping by myself!

10:30 am
Ultrasound Tech "Everything looks good! She is measuring 7lbs 8oz"
KT "Oh GOOD!" smiling but really thinking "Darn it! I was hoping they would say- 'she hasn't grown, we will HAVE to induce you today!!' Katie! There you go again! You DON'T want to be induced! What are you THINKING??"

10:45 am
Dr. Channell
"Hey, Katie, I am on call tonight. You should have a baby!" she smiles.
KT "I know" there is that pouty face again! "I am feeling ready today"
Dr. Channell "Do you want me to check you today and see if you are dilated?"
"no, because if you say I am still only at a 3 I will go home crying.."
KT "OK, Sounds Great!"
Dr. Channell "Let's see if we can strip those membranes again so I can see you tonight!"
KT getting my hopes up "Yay, I actually vacuumed last night! It would be a great night to go into labor!"
"...on my own! Without being induced!"
Dr. Channell as she is checking me "NEVERMIND Katie" as she takes her hand back " You are having this baby TODAY. I am NOT going to strip your membranes" She helps me sit up "Katie, I can feel the umbilical chord. Go ahead and put your clothes on, I will be right back in. You are definitely going to have this baby today." she leaves the room.
I am getting dressed. To surprised to be excited.
"oh no, I didn't get the Bag ready!! I KNEW I should have done that! oh well, I can run home really quick and get everything done" Dr. Channell comes back in and gets on the phone to the hospital. She is telling them that she has a patient with an Umbilical Chord Prolapse and needs to send a me down. I can't hear the other end of the conversation, but I can tell they are very busy by the look on her face.
Dr. Channell "well, she needs to come down RIGHT NOW. I am sending her down." I love it when I hear her definitive voice. It makes me feel so confident and safe.
"I need to call JT! so, if I am induced can I still go NATURAL? Wait, I think she is trying to explain things to me! Katie! Pay Attention!"
Dr. Channell "so the umbilical is OVER her head, blocking the birth canal..."
"so, can I still grab something to eat?? All I had was that little donut! I am starving! oh wait! She said 'follow me' Katie, Pay Attention! What did she just tell that nurse? I need a WHEELCHAIR? I need to go to the HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW? But JT isn't here! And I didn't pack my bags! And all I ate was a donut! Wait, she is talking to me again. She said C-section! I know she is explaining it, but I can't hear this. I CAN NOT have a c-section! The LAST thing I want is surgery. This is NOT the way I planned it." I start to cry in the chair, on the way to the Hospital. "I have to call JT! His stupid phone doesn't work! Why didn't we get that fixed?"
KT "Hey Babe" talking to his Voice Mail "We are having a baby today. Call me."
I am in the Birth Center Triage. Kristen, the nurse is doing her best to comfort me. "February 25 is a great day to have a baby." "People have c-sections all the time." "All that matters is a safe, healthy baby." But I can't stop crying. JT and my dad arrive. He couldn't get a hold of me, so he called the Hospital, and they told him to come right away. I still can't stop crying. Dr. Channel comes down to see me in Triage.
Dr. Channell "You don't have to decide right now, you can talk it over with JT. But your options are to have a c-section, or to TRY to do it vaginally- but if your water breaks and the baby's head drops down on the chord, we will have to do an Emergency c-section and you would have to be put all the way under."
"Those aren't options. My choice is c-section or c-section? This is NOT how I wanted to do this! How is this happening?"
JT and my Dad give me a Priesthood Blessing. For the first time I finally feel peace. I am blessed that Soeur ("sister") Josiane from my mission will be there with me (she passed away after I got home from my mission in 2002). I am taken to a room and set up with a monitor to wait until Dr. Channell's office hours are over and she can do the c-section then. (TENDER MERCY #1)

12:00 pm
"Dumb donut! They have to wait 8 hours to do the c-section because I ate a lousy chocolate donut at 10 am?? It didn't even fill me up. What I wouldn't give for those Heavenly ice chips. That is the way this was SUPPOSE to happen. I should be laboring in the tub (even though that grosses Tami out- but I know it is the best for contractions) listening to 'Vindicated' from the Spider Man soundtrack and Pink's 'So What', eating my delicious ice chips and doing the Hee Hee Hoo's that I practiced! But no, I am laying here unable to move in case my water breaks just waiting for them to cut me open and hand me a baby."
I start to cry again.

3:30 pm
JT has gone home to get the Hospital Bag... that of course I didn't pack. I am alone in the room, starting to have contractions closer together. "At least I am having contractions. I know I sound crazy- but labor and delivery is my FAVORITE part. When I am sick the first few months I think about how at least I will get to be in labor at the end! When I am losing my mind during the second trimester I picture the amazing feeling of my body getting ready to have a baby! The last few months, as I am getting huge and not sleeping I remind myself that I get to be a part of delivering a baby that grew in my body! The whole thing is so amazing to me. I can't even explain WHY I love it so much. Trust me, I am not a masochist. But it seems to be the thing that I look forward to the entire pregnancy. And now I am missing my favorite part. I have felt so distracted and disconnected this whole pregnancy-- I thought this would be our chance. How will I ever feel connected to a baby that they hand me on a table? When I never experience the pushing, or the 'labor' itself? It is like going to a movie and then walking out right before the climax of the story, to have a person in the lobby tell me the ending. At least I am having contractions. I guess that will have to be enough."

I talk to Shannon, who happens to be in the Hospital that day. She makes me feel better about a c-section. She LOVED hers. She says I will still feel connected to the baby. She says as soon as I hear that little cry- it will all be fine. She is so positive and up beat that I feel myself relaxing again.
"Shannon says it will be fine. Not that I am GLAD that she is in the Hospital to talk to... but I KNOW it is a blessing that she is here to tell me it will be ok" (TENDER MERCY #2)

6:00 pm ish... as if I really know what time it is anymore
Dr. Channell "Well, let's check you again and see if the chord just happened to move on it's own"
"what? Is that even a possibility??"
Dr. Channel checks me. Not only am I now dilated to a 5-- but the chord has moved! She can't feel it at all!! She is explaining to me that there may still be some risk so it would be better to play this very safe. She suggests taking me to the O.R. and prepping me for surgery. There, they can give me an epidural and break my water. If the baby does ok, and there is still no chord in the way, they will let me come back to the room and have the baby vaginally! IF there is any distress on the baby, or the chord slips back down they can immediately turn up the epidural and perform the c-section as planned. I am in shock. I can not believe that it moved! I start to cry again. (TENDER MERCY #3)

Thank goodness for my waterproof mascara! (Can that be classified as a Tender Mercy??)

7:30 pm ish
They are wheeling me down the hall to the O.R. I am so excited I can't stop smiling!
"wouldn't it be funny to start screaming out crazy things to scare the people in the waiting room or the visitors in the hall?? or maybe just wave to everyone like I think I am Miss America in a parade and not actually in an open back hospital gown!" I realize that I am GIDDY with happiness at the idea that I MIGHT be able to still deliver vaginally. "ok, so I won't be in the tub, or pumped up to any rock music to get me going... but I also won't be in the Hospital an extra day, I won't have a cut in my tummy that will take twice as much work at the gym to get back to normal, I won't have a 6 week recovery period and best of all-- I won't miss out on the pushing! stop smiling, Katie, you are not in the clear YET."
The O.R. is like a different world! It is bright with lots of shiny tools.
"This looks NOTHING like Gray's Anatomy! Where is Mc Dreamy? Why are the lights on in here, isn't it suppose to be dark and suspenseful in an O.R.? Which of these people is having a secret affair in the on-call room?? Ok, focus Katie, you are about to have a baby!!"
The anesthesiologist gives me the epidural. He makes me lay on my side because they don't want me to sit up in case that causes my water to break. It is much worse on my side than sitting up. I am also having contractions in my lower back. I want to cry- but I can't move.
JT reminds me of the beautiful blessing. And that Sr. Josiane is by my side. I don't know what it is about her that brings me so much comfort. That could be a whole other blog. But fear leaves again- and I feel total peace. (TENDER MERCY #4)

Everything goes smoothly. It is fun (yes, I said FUN) to be in the O.R. We are all wearing dorky hats as if we are at some weird costume party. JT has on the white jumpsuit as if I am contaminated with something dangerous. All the crying, all the fears were for nothing!

They take me back to my room, we turn on the itunes, and bask in the joy of labor! The epidural is much lighter than either of the other two I have had. I have a lot of control over my body. They leave me off of the pitosin, because Dr. Channell is in surgery. "Hopefully that woman is like Shannon and LOVES to have c-sections" We fade in and out of sleep (which is the beauty of an epidural) until I wake up with a feeling that I am going to wet my pants... except I have a catheter in-- so that isn't possible. "take this catheter out so I can go pee!! I am soo uncomfortable!" But I can also feel contractions again! I am so excited! "This means the epidural is wearing off!!"

12:00 am ish
Dr. Channell "Let's just check you to see how far you are dilated and to see if you need to get on the pitosin." I am just at a 7, they start up the pitosin.
Before the nurse leaves my side he reminds me that if I feel a need to push or to have a bowel movement I need to let him know right away. I am still feeling like I need to wet my pants.
And then it happens.
"I need to push! NOW! Oh my gosh, I have never felt this with the other two! The epidurals were always strong enough that I didn't know the baby was coming until Dr. Channell said to push!! But I have to GO!"
KT "Uh, Dennis" our male nurse who we LOVED "I have to push"
He seems to not really believe me. Maybe because they just checked me and I was at a 7.
KT "Uh, like RIGHT NOW. I am feeling it! I need to push NOW. JT, I need you NOW"
Dennis calls the desk and tells them to get Dr. Channell immediately.
KT "Right Now. Dennis, is this baby going to shoot out onto the table???"
Dennis "Let's hope not" He is smiling. He has been the best nurse ever. I don't think he has any other patients tonight, even though I know the Birth Center is full. I have his undivided attention.

12:45 am ish
Dr. Channell comes back in the room- and gives me the go ahead.
"This is the most amazing feeling! I can actually feel the baby pushing down on me and wanting to come out! How is this possible? I can feel so much!" (TENDER MERCY #6)
Dr. Channell "Katie, you get ONE MORE PUSH and then I am getting the vacuum"
"What?? Why is she threatening me with the vacuum?? I have only pushed twice! Don't I get to at least try for 10 minutes?? Here comes another contraction! I can actually FEEL that! With the other babies- they had to watch the monitor and TELL me when I was having a contraction and WHEN to PUSH! But I can tell them! I am doing it!!!"
Dr. Channell "One more push, come on, or I will have to get the vacuum"
"ok, ok, Here goes. I can do this!! Is that what I think it was? I felt the head!"
KT "I felt the head!! I FELT it!"
"I can feel this! The head, the arms the legs! She is here!!" (TENDER MERCY #7)

I don't even realize that they have called in another nurse, or that they don't hand ME the baby when she comes out. I am way too excited that in spite of the epidural that was the closest to natural I have ever felt! And besides, when Riley was born she pooped so much maconium that they couldn't give her to me right away- so I guess I am use to having to wait a minute for the baby. I don't realize that they aren't weighing her or bathing her, they have oxygen over her mouth and are carefully working on her. Later, I am told that her heart rate had been dropping and that is why they threatened me with the vacuum. Not because 10 minutes was too long, but because she was in distress.

They finally hand her to me, and I cry. I feel Sr. Josiane there, and that makes me cry more.

I hardly sleep that night because I can't get over the Tender Mercies and Miracles that surrounded that day.

The next day Darcy points out that the Donut was in fact another miracle donut. That maybe had I not eaten the donut, causing them to have to wait 8 hours for the c-section, that Dr. Channell might have performed it earlier in the day. But that those 8 hours gave the chord time to move. AND in those 8 hours- I was able to be reminded again how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and the tender mercies He blesses me with.

I realize that it may not be important to anyone else HOW this baby came into the world - but it was important to me. It is a sweet reminder that WHAT is IMPORTANT to ME is IMPORTANT to my Heavenly Father as well. That doesn't mean He is going to GIVE me what I want- or HOW I want it. But He is aware. I realize through JT's blessing that Heavenly Father knows how it all will end, and may still let us endure
the trial. I realize that I can't dictate how I want things to happen in my life. And that I can't assume that I always know what is best for me. But Heavenly Father really does have my best interest in mind. Only He knows what will be best for my growth.

Suddenly I realize how my labor experiences translates into SO many other areas of my life. (TENDER MERCY #8)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me...

I bet you thought I was going to talk about my new little princess Macie? well, I DO NEED to write down the Adventures in Labor and all of the miracles that accompanied her birth, but not right now.

Right now, I have to write about the BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME:

Meeting (well and Marrying) JT

There is an obvious chain of events that shows that without him I would not HAVE my current miracle Macie (or the other two little miracle who love to destroy my home) But even that is not necessarily WHY he is the best thing that ever happened. I guess it is everything combined.

If anyone besides JT is braving through the mushiness to read this- I apologize for how gushy I am and how lovey dovey I may sound!


  • He doesn't have a stressed out bone in his body. Even when he IS stressed out, he is still calm and laid back. He can hear the nurse at the Hospital tell him to get there immediately because his wife is having a C-section and STILL get into a car with my Dad! (this may only make sense to my family)
  • He is the world's BEST Dad. I know everyone thinks their husband is the Best Dad. (which is good, or your kids would look at JT and cry themselves to sleep at night) But he really is wonderful. He NEVER misses a chance to pile Blake and Riley on his back for Piggy Backs around the house. He is NEVER "too tired" to play, or read silly books, or change a poopy diaper.
  • He is absolutely comfortable with a newborn. Probably more so than I am! With each baby I spend the first few days obliviously smiling as he burps the baby, changes the diapers, wakes up with the baby to bring them to me in bed, rocks away the fussiness, reminds me to take the medication so I am not uncomfortable, and takes complete care of our little bundle. (usually with less sleep than even I have!)
  • He has not let me lift a FINGER since we got home from the Hospital (accept to get another cookie!) I am amazed watching him do BOTH of our jobs as I snuggle with Macie. He has taken care of the kids, given me time for hot baths, changed almost EVERY diaper (including Blake's), done the grocery shopping, cleaned the fridge (which is the ONLY thing his mother DIDN'T get a chance to clean when she snuck in and cleaned my WHOLE house while we were still in the Hospital... so at least we know where he gets it!) and rented me chick flicks!
  • Even right now, he has Blake and Riley with him at a Real Estate appointments so that Macie and I could be alone!! I am not sure I got to bond this much with Riley-- and she was the first!!
This sort of sounds like I love him because he is the ULTIMATE Nanny, Housekeeper, and Caregiver... But that is the Least of all of it! I love him because HIS selflessness makes ME want to be selfless too. I remember when we were dating I realized that he cares MORE about ME being comfortable and happy than HIMSELF. That was a foreign concept to me. To give up my coat, even if I am cold. To give up the last bite of pie, even if I want it. To leave hot water for a shower, to give up most of the bed, to wake up with the kids, whatever it is-- I feel like I am always the first in his mind. And it makes me want to be as equally loving, thoughtful, and giving.

Anyways, he IS the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME because besides loving me more than I deserve, he makes me want to be like him-- which makes me better than I am.