Sunday, September 25, 2011

Nights are the Hardest

I can't say that the novelty has worn off... I am still in shock, I am still happy for JT, I am still excited for the adventure, I am still sure this is all right (to be moving to New York)....

But I will say, at Night it is the hardest. It seems like the kids go to bed, my night winds down and my brain turns on. Suddenly I am aware of all of the things that will make this move difficult. Last week it was the logistics. (not to say that isn't still a concern this week) Things like: where will we live? can we move in all that snow? will we be able to get enough student loans to support our family? and how much will all of this cost? But this past weekend I discovered new heartbreaks to overcome.

Saturday we spent the afternoon at the Tyler's. The kids played and laughed with cousins in the pool. I talked with my Sister in laws and snuggled my newest nephew. I watched JT "play" with his brothers doing flips and showing off in the pool. (JT is more "himself" with his family than anywhere else. I guess we all are, right? We let down our guards, or facades, we forget about impressing or in my case- entertaining - and just let it all hang out. It is refreshing to have that freedom. And it is something special especially when I watch my kids or JT be 100% comfortable and at home.) I have to say- I have always felt a safe feeling at my inlaws', like I can be me, however crazy that is, and not be judged or made fun of or hurt. How can we leave this? Who takes their kids away from loving aunts and uncles and grandparents??

Then I went to Jenni's surprise party. I watched a fantastic group of women jump out from behind couches to surprise a friend we all love. These are girls I did not even know 3 years ago who have become some of my best friends. We are all so different. In fact, I don't think we unanimously share a single thing in common besides our faith and love for each other. But we adore each other for the talents that we have and accept each other for the places that we lack. Once again- Who leaves those kinds of friends??

And at Church today- my kids quietly deserted me and JT on our pew to go sit with their beloved former Nursery Teacher "Tingey". (where of course they will sit the entire Sacrament Meeting without whining or fighting because they are with "Tingey"!!) As I guiltily enjoyed the peace that comes from sitting alone on your bench and not having to wrestle kids, I realized that my kids would be missing their friends as well. Primary teachers, Preschool teachers, babysitters and playmates who have loved them since birth. Who moves away from a Nursery Teacher that sits with your kids at church??

I am starting to think we are crazy.

But the first tears fell tonight, believe it or not, when I came down stairs for a drink before I was going to sleep (and then I obviously got distracted by the desire to Blog rather than cry alone in my bed!) and I walked through my dark house, with no lights on. You know you are home when you don't need a light. I remember this on my mission- that first few weeks of not feeling totally comfortable and a little afraid of the dark. (not the dark so much, as the giant spiders that could lay waiting to pounce on you in the dark) But as I relaxed into an area- I was less afraid. Here I am, in the first house we ever bought. I love this house. It may not seem like much to some of you- but it is my first home and I love it. I loved the floor plan from the minute I walked in. I love the kitchen overlooking the large family room. I love the master bath and huge walk in closet! I love my kids rooms - mostly for being the treasure chest that holds my sweetest treasures every night. I love the backyard (even though it backs up to the busiest road and everyone honks at me when I come outside in my robe to push my kids on the swing) and the adventures and parties we have had back there. I love the feeling here. The one I feel when it has been a crazy morning of running around and extracting screaming kids from car seats- and then I put my keys in the door and smile that this is my home. The home my husband worked really hard to buy for me. (and still does) The home that welcomed me and Macie from the Hospital when she was born. The home that has caught the spills of birthday cakes, sippy cups, and dinner with friends. Who leaves a Home like this??

I can't believe that with all of these things to miss- I started crying tonight about my house. I didn't think this adventure would be so hard. I have prayed every night for this for over 2 years- and now that it is here - I am crying.

But something keeps running through my head. I don't even know where it came from, or who said it- but I think it will be my motto these next few months:

I can do hard things.

or is it-
I CAN do hard things.
I can DO hard things.
I can do HARD--- really really hard--- things.

We can do this. We can leave family for a little while, they will still love us when we get back. I can say goodbye to friends- even my kids' friends- they won't forget me. ( I don't think...) And I can even walk a way from our first home, I will have many more homes. And tomorrow when I realize I will have to buy snow clothes and learn how to live in the cold- I will just remind myself:

I can do hard things.

Monday, September 19, 2011

New York - Here We Come

The Moment We Have All Been Waiting For....

Has Finally Arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, you have been on the edge of your seats, prayerful at the Temple, fasting day and night and hoping to get rid of us Tylers. Well, it worked. We are headed to Rochester, New York in January for school!

Hallelujah! (I am hearing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus)

I know, some of you are sad. You enjoyed reading the countless blog posts about rejection, about waiting, about our never ending plight into the unknown. Some of you may even miss us when we are gone....

*Crickets * awkward silence *

And the rest of you are wondering Why Rochester??

Well, after more research, JT decided to change direction a little bit. He decided that he would like to become a Nurse Anesthetist. So rather than go to P.A. school we are headed to the University of Rochester for an accelerated Nursing Course. A year from now, JT will be a Registered Nurse working in an I.C.U. where he will gain the experience he needs to qualify to go to more school to become a Nurse Anesthetist. (Did any of you know I have a thing against the "th" sound? I don't know why, it just feels weird on my tongue- it almost stopped me from supporting him in this career change. Luckily I was able to put that behind me for the sake of a career.) Rochester not only has one of the best and very few accelerated nursing programs in the country but it is also very close to three schools that offer the Anesthetist program. It will take slightly longer to finish the schooling but I think it will be much more rewarding for him in the long run.

And now some of you are wondering how I am doing with all of this? Ok, most of you are busy cheering for JT, high fiving each other like you just won the Super Bowl, or already reading someone else's more interesting blog. But for anyone who wants to know...

I am freaking out!

My mind is flipping back and forth between the pros and cons so fast I can hardly see straight. I keep thinking of JT finally being accepted and how happy and relieved he is. Then I think of the long road we still have ahead. I think of Riley, Blake and Macie being in one of the Top Public School Districts in the Nation! And then I think of them leaving Miss Ashlee. I think of the new adventure and chance to get out of the Seattle Gloom. And then I think of all of the friends and family we are leaving behind. (that is by far the hardest one to swallow) I think of four different seasons and the beauty of upstate New York. And then I think of the snow. And more snow. And more snow.

The most amazing thing in all of this - is seeing how much the Lord's hand has been in it from the start. I think it will take some more reflection and a whole other post to get into that.

One Tender Mercy happened on Saturday after we heard the news. I was talking to my Mom on the phone about it and she was very excited. She said "Katie, this is so perfect for you." She is right. Growing up, I always wanted to live in New York. Usually I thought of living in the Big Apple, ice skating on Christmas at the Rockerfeller Center, singing and dancing off Broadway while waitressing to pay the bills, and eating pizza that I fold in half. But I remember a painting called Kindred Spirits by Asher Durand. I loved this painting in High School (which says a lot for a girl who tended to like mostly Modern Art) and I was very drawn to exploring this side of New York. One without glitz and glamour and taxis and lights. (I have to add that I also loved this for the title Kindred Spirits and the thought of these Best Friends- Poet and Artist in nature together... Sigh) Wow- this is turning into a boring Humanities lesson - back to the conversation with my Mom --- When my Mom told me that this was perfect for me- I found myself in Oregon. At OSU as an EFY Counselor. I was traveling with EFY all summer and my Mission Call had come. My mom forwarded it to me in Oregon so that I could read it. I was in a phone booth (which shows how old I am) all alone. Crying. I called my mom and told her I wasn't sure I wanted to go on a mission anymore and that I might not even open the letter to read it - but instead just send it back and say "I'm sorry." But my mom's answer was "Katie, I read your Mission Call" (yes, go ahead and gasp, she opened it and read it and then resealed it to mail to me at OSU!) "And in ALL the World, this is where My Katie belongs." When she said that I was filled with peace and I knew that it was right. I opened the envelope to find I had been called to the Madagascar, Antananarivo Mission and it changed my life. I can't help but feel that all over again.

Something about Rochester just feels right.

I don't know what it is. I don't know why. But it just feels right. Yes, I am scared. I am not a fan of snow. I rely a lot on my Family and Friends here in Washington. I love my ward, my neighbors, my life here. But I know that this is right for our family and especially for JT.

I am excited for an adventure. I am excited to finally be on the path and moving forward. I am excited for the unknown. I can' t believe it is finally happening! I almost forgot what it is like to know what you will be doing 6 months from now. To be able to plan ahead! And I know this adventure will change our lives.

What this means for all of you? (that's right, everyone wants to know what this has to do with them) I will be spending the next three months having Girls' Nights, Play Dates, Dates with My Man (since we won't have family or babysitters in NY), Parties, Family Dinners, More Girls' Nights and probably some serious tears----

Consider Yourselves Invited :)