Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Didn't I USE to be amazing? and brave? and spontaneous?

  • I have been cooped up in my house taking care of H1N1 sickos since last Thursday... I think it is affecting my Mental Health!
  • NO ONE is allowed to comment on this blog saying things like "oh, Katie, you ARE amazing" blah blah blah (in fact this should be buried in my personal journal instead of out there for pity and observation, but MAYBE someone else knows where I am coming from)
Didn't I USE to be amazing?
Like I said I have been trapped in my house for too long and I have too much time to THINK. The future right now is too overwhelming so I started to reflect on the past. It started with Ashlee's blog about group dates....

I thought back to funny things I did as a Young Adult. Spontaneous, Crazy things (some of which I hope Riley never does!!) Peeing on 1-5 (no, not the side of the freeway- the ACTUAL freeway!), riding on the back of cute boys' motorcycles, quiting a job and moving to SLC one day just because I needed new air to breathe! I don't think I had a fear in the world! (maybe that I would never ACTUALLY settle down!)

Then on to Young Adult accomplishments like becoming an EFY Counselor. I remember hearing the staggering statistic that over 5000 people apply and only 400 were actually chosen -99% of those accepted were from one of the BYU campuses. (I was definitely NOT at BYU, I was in beauty school in Seattle) EVERYONE told me NOT to apply because it was so unlikely that I would be accepted! :) The best summers of my life were spent awake till 3:00am worrying about those youth and trying to teach them the Gospel while traveling around the country!

How could I resist serving a mission after that experience?

MADAGASCAR of all places?!
Fleas, mosquitos, GIANT SPIDERS, mystery meat, and the Craziest language I had ever heard!! There I was, on the other side of the world from anyone who knew and loved me, and yet I felt so brave and strong!! I spoke to people in their own gobbledy goop langauge! I walked down dark streets that I didn't know with a companion I had just met! (all of which are the most amazing women I have EVER known) I had never Laughed so hard, or Cried so hard, or Worked so hard in my entire life. I actually felt strong. Now, don't say this to the elders who trapped giant spiders in Pringles cans to watch me scream, or who came to rescue me and my comp the night the witch tried to break in to our house, or my President who listened as I cried that first week because I could not communicate and the thought of sitting quietly was unbareable!! Don't tell them, they may not have thought I was strong. But I did.

So that led me to think "Man, I WAS AMAZING!"

But where does that leave me now? A frumpy-sweats-wearing-house-wife with two and half kids, one mortgage, and a hubbie who is waiting to get into PA school (which probably won't be for another year now!) I am TRYING to see the Brave, Strong, Spontaneous girl that I use to be.

I know I should recognize that desire to bring more babies into this crazy world as Brave. Right now, it just seems a little bit insane!
I know that supporting a hubbie struggling to change careers should make me feel Strong. But right now it mostly feels overwhelming.
I know I must be Spontaneous and Crazy to bake with my three year old daughter! (the whole kitchen covered in flour after I mopped and cleaned it yesterday is a story for another blog!) But right now I am avoiding that side of my house.

I guess the Rhetorical Question of the Day is:
HOW do I keep my identity and stay true to the person I have always thought I am, while being in the position I never thought I would be in?


  1. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!. Just wrote a big old thing and hit the wrong button. So in short. Sorry, I am a downer, but I feel you cannot be the same person you were. You have to change. In the position you are in, no can do. You are about to have 3 kids. (Which I strongly advise against now that I have 3) But it makes things seem so much worse. You will get back to you in about 5 years. Not sure what JT is working on becoming, but hopefully his schooling will be close to done, and the kids will be in school. This is my plan. Brave of you to put it all out like that. Sometimes I just want to complain like crazy about life. So thanks!

  2. I ask myself the same question... and I only have one! Let me know if you find the answer...

  3. Let me try to answer your question with another question.... what kind of person do you really want to be? When I find myself missing some of the things I did and the different experiences that have made me who I am I try to think of who I want to become most like. I am truly humbled by the fact that I am a mother. Not just a mother, but like you, a mother truly devoted to her family. This amazing calling in life has helped me become more selfless, loving, patient, and more connected to my Heavenly Father and Mother than anything else I've done. So while being brave, strong, spontaneous, and free spirited are all good things... the reality is being a sweats wearing, nose wiping, dinner making, barefoot in the kitchen stay at home mom really has helped me become who I know I'm meant to be. (I know you feel the same way. It's just nice to hear it from someone else every once in a while!) I hope your family is feeling better! Pregnancy and having the flu is just cruel!

  4. aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh :) I was just thinking to myself "man, Katie, TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" but after reading your guys' thoughts I am already feeling better!!