Sunday, September 25, 2011

Nights are the Hardest

I can't say that the novelty has worn off... I am still in shock, I am still happy for JT, I am still excited for the adventure, I am still sure this is all right (to be moving to New York)....

But I will say, at Night it is the hardest. It seems like the kids go to bed, my night winds down and my brain turns on. Suddenly I am aware of all of the things that will make this move difficult. Last week it was the logistics. (not to say that isn't still a concern this week) Things like: where will we live? can we move in all that snow? will we be able to get enough student loans to support our family? and how much will all of this cost? But this past weekend I discovered new heartbreaks to overcome.

Saturday we spent the afternoon at the Tyler's. The kids played and laughed with cousins in the pool. I talked with my Sister in laws and snuggled my newest nephew. I watched JT "play" with his brothers doing flips and showing off in the pool. (JT is more "himself" with his family than anywhere else. I guess we all are, right? We let down our guards, or facades, we forget about impressing or in my case- entertaining - and just let it all hang out. It is refreshing to have that freedom. And it is something special especially when I watch my kids or JT be 100% comfortable and at home.) I have to say- I have always felt a safe feeling at my inlaws', like I can be me, however crazy that is, and not be judged or made fun of or hurt. How can we leave this? Who takes their kids away from loving aunts and uncles and grandparents??

Then I went to Jenni's surprise party. I watched a fantastic group of women jump out from behind couches to surprise a friend we all love. These are girls I did not even know 3 years ago who have become some of my best friends. We are all so different. In fact, I don't think we unanimously share a single thing in common besides our faith and love for each other. But we adore each other for the talents that we have and accept each other for the places that we lack. Once again- Who leaves those kinds of friends??

And at Church today- my kids quietly deserted me and JT on our pew to go sit with their beloved former Nursery Teacher "Tingey". (where of course they will sit the entire Sacrament Meeting without whining or fighting because they are with "Tingey"!!) As I guiltily enjoyed the peace that comes from sitting alone on your bench and not having to wrestle kids, I realized that my kids would be missing their friends as well. Primary teachers, Preschool teachers, babysitters and playmates who have loved them since birth. Who moves away from a Nursery Teacher that sits with your kids at church??

I am starting to think we are crazy.

But the first tears fell tonight, believe it or not, when I came down stairs for a drink before I was going to sleep (and then I obviously got distracted by the desire to Blog rather than cry alone in my bed!) and I walked through my dark house, with no lights on. You know you are home when you don't need a light. I remember this on my mission- that first few weeks of not feeling totally comfortable and a little afraid of the dark. (not the dark so much, as the giant spiders that could lay waiting to pounce on you in the dark) But as I relaxed into an area- I was less afraid. Here I am, in the first house we ever bought. I love this house. It may not seem like much to some of you- but it is my first home and I love it. I loved the floor plan from the minute I walked in. I love the kitchen overlooking the large family room. I love the master bath and huge walk in closet! I love my kids rooms - mostly for being the treasure chest that holds my sweetest treasures every night. I love the backyard (even though it backs up to the busiest road and everyone honks at me when I come outside in my robe to push my kids on the swing) and the adventures and parties we have had back there. I love the feeling here. The one I feel when it has been a crazy morning of running around and extracting screaming kids from car seats- and then I put my keys in the door and smile that this is my home. The home my husband worked really hard to buy for me. (and still does) The home that welcomed me and Macie from the Hospital when she was born. The home that has caught the spills of birthday cakes, sippy cups, and dinner with friends. Who leaves a Home like this??

I can't believe that with all of these things to miss- I started crying tonight about my house. I didn't think this adventure would be so hard. I have prayed every night for this for over 2 years- and now that it is here - I am crying.

But something keeps running through my head. I don't even know where it came from, or who said it- but I think it will be my motto these next few months:

I can do hard things.

or is it-
I CAN do hard things.
I can DO hard things.
I can do HARD--- really really hard--- things.

We can do this. We can leave family for a little while, they will still love us when we get back. I can say goodbye to friends- even my kids' friends- they won't forget me. ( I don't think...) And I can even walk a way from our first home, I will have many more homes. And tomorrow when I realize I will have to buy snow clothes and learn how to live in the cold- I will just remind myself:

I can do hard things.


  1. Katie,

    I meant to comment on your previous post, but I guess I had way too much to say and not enough time (or energy, seeing how I always do these things at 11:30 at night) to say it all. Still the case tonight, so apologies in advance for what will likely come out as some random bits of mindless jabber. But hey, at least it counts as a comment, right? (That is, I personally love it when my blog posts get a lot of comments... that is, when I used to blog...)

    Anyway, I just had to tell you that I can almost totally relate to this post. We never had the chance to live by family once we started our own family (until now), so I can only imagine how incredibly difficult it must be to know you will soon be leaving all those wonderful blessings behind. Ugh! Why does it always have to hurt to be stretched? Why does it feel like a step backwards is required to take two steps forward?

    The part I can relate to is the awful homesickness you feel about your surroundings before you ever leave. I remember writing similar journal entries as your blog post when we left Provo for dental school in Iowa. And then another one (much, much harder this time around) leaving Iowa after 5 years for residency. And then another one (harder yet) leaving NY and heading for Illinois to buy a practice. And one last one (it better be the last, I tell you...) leaving IL to settle in Arizona.

    I am so sentimental that I thought I'd actually MISS the 600-square foot cinderblock wall student housing where my first three children learned how to walk... And looking back, of course I do miss that phase of life and everything. But inevitably, each time we moved on, I was astounded at how we also moved UP. I'm not just talking about moving up in the realm of improved housing conditions (though that certainly didn't hurt) but mostly moving up in terms of the amazing blessings that unfolded as we trusted in the Lord to guide our footsteps along a path to which we couldn't see the end. (Are my sentences even making sense anymore? It's past my bedtime, I tell you. Oh, wait. That's not even true. Guess I'm just tired and rambling. But I did forewarn you, didn't I?)

    Wow this is a long comment.

    And still, she rambles. Okay, so you don't want advice, but I'm here to give it anyway. First, just take heart in the fact that while you can't take everything and everyone with you to NY, you can take your little family with you. (One reason I shouldn't give advice is because you already know this stuff.) But really, you can do ANYTHING as long as you have each other.

    Also, keep recording all the precious memories you want to preserve -- whether in blog posts or in photos or on video (we always video our whole apt./house before we pack up and move). I think having a physical record makes it easier to let go and move forward.

    And lastly: as long as you keep being you (that is, being the positive, optimistic Katie I know), things will work out oh so marvelously. You will find reasons to LOVE New York -- so many reasons! So many great family outings and historical sites and church history and on and on... You will also find reasons to love the snow -- talk about endless winter activities! Kids love the snow! Sledding! Skiing! Snowmen and snowforts and snowball fights! Plus the hot cocoa, and hearty soups in the crock pot. And the bragging rights on Facebook when a huge snowstorm hits. And there's always that increased wonder and appreciation at the miracle of Spring. I could go on...)

    In short, Katie, you're right. You CAN (and will) do hard things. And they will become some of the greatest highlights of your life.

    Good luck!!!

  2. Don't make me cry girl. We will miss you SO much Katie! And don't worry, you are truly UNforgettable. January is going to be coming way too soon. :(

  3. This totally made me cry. I was terrified of moving to WA where I knew nobody and can't believe all the good things I found here. I know you know that nothing comes close to beating this ward, but you WILL find great things in Rochester. Such a huge change though! Many tears will be shed when you leave.

  4. I agree, we'll all miss you when you leave, but I know you'll make tons of friends in Rochester. They'll be lucky to have you and your family!

    I love that quote too. Peter always quotes it to me when I'm having a hard time. We took the family science class at BYU together and our teacher used to tell us how he always said that to his kids. That's where I've heard it before.

    And yes, you CAN do hard things! :o)

  5. Can I just say....don't go. The end. Problem solved. :)

    Hard things are hard, BUT you are right, you CAN do them.

    Jamie is right you are unforgettable!

  6. I am so excited for you and your family. It will be an amazing experience for you. I will miss you...well, I already do because I don't get to see you very often. But, it will be such a great experience for you. I can't wait to hear all about your adventures!! Love you!

  7. Sis, I love you. Thanks for making Jonathan happy, letting him dream, and standing by him...even though you may be standing in three feet of snow! We Tyler's tend to take the "road less traveled" before we figure out where the heck we're going, I'm just grateful my brothers' have found the best women to share it with. I love you and can't wait to see you! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. i have read all the comments and don't feel like i can say anything that hasn't been said already. you will be so missed katie. love you
    It will be such a fun adventure for your family...i'm excited for you too

  9. I can totally relate. We kind of felt that way coming to Seattle and not being near family but we have loved it here. I can also relate to leaving something you love so much, as we are also moving soon. I will miss you Katie. Good luck on your new adventure!

  10. P.S. Your friend "The Conductor's" post made me cry.