I can't say that the novelty has worn off... I am still in shock, I am still happy for JT, I am still excited for the adventure, I am still sure this is all right (to be moving to New York)....
But I will say, at Night it is the hardest. It seems like the kids go to bed, my night winds down and my brain turns on. Suddenly I am aware of all of the things that will make this move difficult. Last week it was the logistics. (not to say that isn't still a concern this week) Things like: where will we live? can we move in all that snow? will we be able to get enough student loans to support our family? and how much will all of this cost? But this past weekend I discovered new heartbreaks to overcome.
Saturday we spent the afternoon at the Tyler's. The kids played and laughed with cousins in the pool. I talked with my Sister in laws and snuggled my newest nephew. I watched JT "play" with his brothers doing flips and showing off in the pool. (JT is more "himself" with his family than anywhere else. I guess we all are, right? We let down our guards, or facades, we forget about impressing or in my case- entertaining - and just let it all hang out. It is refreshing to have that freedom. And it is something special especially when I watch my kids or JT be 100% comfortable and at home.) I have to say- I have always felt a safe feeling at my inlaws', like I can be me, however crazy that is, and not be judged or made fun of or hurt. How can we leave this? Who takes their kids away from loving aunts and uncles and grandparents??
Then I went to Jenni's surprise party. I watched a fantastic group of women jump out from behind couches to surprise a friend we all love. These are girls I did not even know 3 years ago who have become some of my best friends. We are all so different. In fact, I don't think we unanimously share a single thing in common besides our faith and love for each other. But we adore each other for the talents that we have and accept each other for the places that we lack. Once again- Who leaves those kinds of friends??
And at Church today- my kids quietly deserted me and JT on our pew to go sit with their beloved former Nursery Teacher "Tingey". (where of course they will sit the entire Sacrament Meeting without whining or fighting because they are with "Tingey"!!) As I guiltily enjoyed the peace that comes from sitting alone on your bench and not having to wrestle kids, I realized that my kids would be missing their friends as well. Primary teachers, Preschool teachers, babysitters and playmates who have loved them since birth. Who moves away from a Nursery Teacher that sits with your kids at church??
I am starting to think we are crazy.
But the first tears fell tonight, believe it or not, when I came down stairs for a drink before I was going to sleep (and then I obviously got distracted by the desire to Blog rather than cry alone in my bed!) and I walked through my dark house, with no lights on. You know you are home when you don't need a light. I remember this on my mission- that first few weeks of not feeling totally comfortable and a little afraid of the dark. (not the dark so much, as the giant spiders that could lay waiting to pounce on you in the dark) But as I relaxed into an area- I was less afraid. Here I am, in the first house we ever bought. I love this house. It may not seem like much to some of you- but it is my first home and I love it. I loved the floor plan from the minute I walked in. I love the kitchen overlooking the large family room. I love the master bath and huge walk in closet! I love my kids rooms - mostly for being the treasure chest that holds my sweetest treasures every night. I love the backyard (even though it backs up to the busiest road and everyone honks at me when I come outside in my robe to push my kids on the swing) and the adventures and parties we have had back there. I love the feeling here. The one I feel when it has been a crazy morning of running around and extracting screaming kids from car seats- and then I put my keys in the door and smile that this is my home. The home my husband worked really hard to buy for me. (and still does) The home that welcomed me and Macie from the Hospital when she was born. The home that has caught the spills of birthday cakes, sippy cups, and dinner with friends. Who leaves a Home like this??
I can't believe that with all of these things to miss- I started crying tonight about my house. I didn't think this adventure would be so hard. I have prayed every night for this for over 2 years- and now that it is here - I am crying.
But something keeps running through my head. I don't even know where it came from, or who said it- but I think it will be my motto these next few months:
I can do hard things.
or is it-
I CAN do hard things.
I can DO hard things.
I can do HARD--- really really hard--- things.
We can do this. We can leave family for a little while, they will still love us when we get back. I can say goodbye to friends- even my kids' friends- they won't forget me. ( I don't think...) And I can even walk a way from our first home, I will have many more homes. And tomorrow when I realize I will have to buy snow clothes and learn how to live in the cold- I will just remind myself:
I can do hard things.