Monday, September 24, 2012

The Fitness Phenomenon

At one time or another all of us have looked for the next Fitness Phenomenon.  Admit it, you have clicked on that picture on the side bar of facebook that claims that Rachel Ray lost 50 lbs, hoping for her same miraculous success.  Maybe you have even bought a weight loss shake and taken 3 sips before your gag reflex over ruled that bad decision.  You might have even been desperate brave enough to try a Liquid Cleanse (and then cried next to your toilet all weekend).

Well, I am here to tell you that I discovered a new Fitness Phenomenon.  No, you don't have to buy in.    No purchase necessary, no need to enter your email address or social security number, no commitment required.  I am just going to share my findings with the world (via my blog... that reaches nearly 100 people...) ok, well, you gotta start somewhere.

Here goes:

A few weeks ago JT and I were at the gym together to work out.  Before I work out I like to hop on the scale.  For a few reasons.  One: because I don't have a scale at home, so the gym and the doctor's office are the only places I ever check.  Two: because ever since I lost the baby weight from Riley (5 years ago) every number on that scale looks good (comparatively speaking to pregnant Katie). So I hopped on the scale.

This was right after JT and I moved to our new place and spent a month (OK- probably even more than that) of eating out everyday.  Literally.  (I know sometimes I exaggerate... this is not one of those times.)  I had a bad feeling about stepping on the scale that day.  It had been weeks since I had had a really good workout (unless you call wrestling 3 kids at McDonalds a work out - and then, in that case, it is to you that I am speaking- this phenomenon is for you!).   I had been consuming curly fries like they were protein bars and Dr. Pepper like it was, well, Dr. Pepper.  It wasn't going to be pretty.  But I knew it would help to get me motivated to shed whatever pounds I put on over the course of that month.

As I slid the scale into place I was shocked.

It slid down 4 pounds from the month before!  What?!  I had lost 4 lbs?!

(Oh yeah, I know lots of women fluctuate about 4 pounds throughout the month based on hormones, this was 4 below my low number!)

There I stood, in the middle of the gym, flexing my biceps and sucking in my tummy (because that is what I do when I am at the gym) and looking boldly around for video cameras and reporters.  I had done it. I was a Fitness Phenomenon!  All this time we have been told that eating fast food on a daily basis and drinking gallons of soda would make you gain weight!  But no, not me, I defied the laws of fitness.

In my mind, as I flexed and posed for the invisible cameras,  I was already writing my book:

The Fitness Phenomenon.  (Subheading: How to eat garbage and lose weight like me.)

I saw myself at Book Signings in Costco waving to housewives with bags of Burger King in one hand and a Costco Hot Dog in the other.  I pictured myself on the today show laughing with Rhoda about how amazing I am for making this new discovery as we stuff our faces with donuts.  In this fantasy, I was even invited to the Kelly Rippa show- but since I don't promote anorexia (or whatever she does to get those freakishly skinny arms) I declined.  But I did agree to go on Ellen, because, well, I love her.  (And I have a secret wish for her to like me.  Is it weird that a straight girl like me wants a Lesbian to think I am hot and funny?) Heck, I would probably even end up being the new Subway Spokesperson.

(what's not to love?? I got her picture here, for all of you "straight" girls who like to stalk her...)

As I was about to hop off of the scale and begin my new life as a Fitness Celebrity (since P-90X has run it's course and no one ended up looking like Tony Horton, the world is in desperate need of a new Fitness Celebrity)

(And also for all of you "straight" girls who want to stalk someone- pic from here)

 I turned to brag to my man.

"Babe, check it out!  I ate fast food for a month and lost 4 lbs!" I shouted, loud enough for the guys in the weight room to hear and gawk and for the women on the treadmills to pout with jealousy. (Don't worry, jealous-treadmill-ladies, you can buy my book on Amazon in a few weeks.)

JT looked up briefly from his stretching (obviously not catching the magnitude of this discovery and how he is be married to a soon-to-be-celeb) and shrugged "Yeah, I guess you lost a lot of muscle weight, huh?"  Then he turned back to his stretching, but not before he checked me out (because that is what you do at the gym when your wife is standing on the scale like it is a podium flexing every muscle in her body).

Deflated I stepped from the scale.

That would explain why I lost weight- but my jeans were tighter.  Apparently I exchanged muscle for flab.  Talk about a sad discovery.

I will probably still write the book.  I am not ready to let go of the dreams of being on The New York Times Best Seller's List or of Portia de Rossi being a little jealous of me.  I will just have to change the title:

The Fitness Phenomenon (Subheading: How to lose weight while still gaining inches.) (Sub-subheading: You will probably feel pretty sick on this diet.  You may even lose energy, focus, and the sense of what good food actually tastes like.  But you will lose muscle weight, and therefore feel like a rockstar on the scale at the gym.  Or in your bathroom, if you have a scale there.)

I think the book will be available by Christmas.

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