You know the feeling...
the shudder and chill that rolls up your back
the eerie feeling that you have "been here before"
the glitch in the Matrix
De Ja Vu.
Here I am. Again.
I can almost hear a bus full of kids on the way home from a Field Trip singing:
A Little Bit Louder,
And a Whole Lot Worse!"
And there they go again.
What is giving me this unnerving feeling?
Wasn't I just here? Writing about this? On this same Blog? Has it already been a year?
It is the same story:
Boy applies to P.A. School. Boy (and cute Wifie) wait to hear back. Boy gets the small, thin envelopes of rejection in the mail. This time, no interviews. This time just "no thank you". Boy and Wifie are confused. How can this Keep Happening to him? Colleagues keep saying things like "How could this happen?" and "You were robbed". Wifie just looks at the mail box in confusion.
Just like the Song says- it IS "a Little Bit Louder" this time around. How does Rejection feel SO LOUD even in a tiny envelope? There is a strange, familiar voice in Rejection this time. But, it ISN'T "a Whole Lot Worse".
Is it because I have done this enough to gain the "Aquired Taste" for Rejection? Is it because we knew that the competition would be even tougher this year?
OR is it because SOMEHOW this time it is DIFFERENT...
IT ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD. Last year, it felt like it was. I guess there is something to be said for Surviving something you thought you couldn't. Something to be said for the Comfort that comes from falling onto your knees. From falling into your husbands' arms. From leaning on friends and leaning on faith. There is something to be said for hitting your own personal Rock Bottom (don't snicker at me if you are thinking to yourself that I have NO IDEA what Rock Bottom is-- YOU have no idea what this past year has been like for us) There is something to be said for Realizing that the world really DOES keep turning.
And another year rolls past.
So am I saying "what's another year of applying? we'll get in next year?"
Am I saying "I really can't do this another time?"
I don't know.
What I DO know, and what I AM saying is that I am TRYING to Feel Peace.
I am CONFIDENT that the Lord knows what He is doing. (Didn't I already write this quote? About how He will do what is for our own good??)
Didn't I LEARN THIS PRINCIPLE ALREADY??
Last Year?? When it felt like the End of The WORLD. (here is the Ironic Twist that we have all been waiting for) Wasn't NOT GETTING IN TO P.A. SCHOOL LAST YEAR the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO OUR FAMILY!?
I said Rock Bottom-
and then I said "BEST thing that Ever Happened!"
We GREW so much. I wish I could write ALL of the reasons why we NEEDED to stay here this past year. Why it saved us to not be in school, not be away from our home, not away from each other. So even though I wondered how I would Survive - How it could all work out - How it could be for our Good- it was.
I guess THAT is what is FAMILIAR about this De Ja Vu ripple up my neck that tingles and feels uncomfortable. I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE. I don't WANT to BE BACK HERE AGAIN.
But I am.
I am still disappointed. I am still scared about what to do next. I am still confused about how this keeps happening to us.
But I am hopeful. Hopefull that the Best is Yet to Come. Hopeful that we will be stronger for this. Hopeful that the "window" that needs to be opened will be opened. Hopeful that our faith and prayers will be heard and answered.
We are still waiting to hear back from ONE MORE SCHOOL. And guess which one that is? Puerto Rico. Our DREAM COME TRUE. I can't stop praying yet. Not when I hear Riley's sweet voice ask Heavenly Father to "help Daddy get in to P.A. school" every time she prays. But I can't help wondering if I am the modern day Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego who were so Faithful to say their God would save them, but so willing to do His will that they added "BUT IF NOT..."
I hope this is not another "but if not..." moment for us. After all- we know how their story ended :)
All I can say is that I have Been Here Before. And I am Here Again.