Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On the 12th Day of Christmas

Merry Christmas!
For starters, here is a Pic of my Riley and Blake dressed up as Mary and Joseph and Macie as the Shepard. Pretty Cute, huh?

So- let's talk about this month. This blog post has been stuck in my mind for days now- trying to escape. It has been an interesting month...

It is no secret that the Real Estate Market has been hit hard by this recession. And if you know me, you know JT supports our family with a Real Estate income. Yes, he works at the Hospital in the ER, but he is no doctor - and his pay check there reflects that. He works hard, but it just is not enough to support a growing family and a mortgage. Real estate has always come through for us. But this year has been harder than most.

As I prepared for the Holiday Season I was optimistic. I saw myself sewing adorable gifts from scrap fabric, baking wonderful treats from my pantry, and focusing more on the Baby that was born on Christmas than the gifts that were received. I envisioned a frugal superstar making Christmas out of nothing. And then my children begging to hear the Christmas Story read from Luke "one more time, puh-lease, before we open presents!" I was already congratulating myself on a Christmas fit to be printed in the Ensign.

And then December hit.

And boy has it hit.

Someday I will post my notes from the Relief Society Scripture night that I taught at the beginning of the month. Normally, that kind of event would be the highlight of my month. Speaking. For an hour. On the scriptures. My dream come true! (seriously) But this time- I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was up against every road block possible. My Testimony seemed to be shaken to the core. (a feeling I was not expecting or familiar with)

When that was over - it was our Anniversary, our get-a-way and by the time we got back I felt like I was 10 steps behind. Suddenly the reality of life, finances, and Holidays hit me. It was too late for home made gifts. Who was I kidding anyways? Me? Crafting adorable gifts for my kids? But how could we make Christmas work with our finances? Does the Ensign really want to print a story of my life crashing down around me days before Christmas?

And there it was.
On our doorstep.

The 12 Days of Christmas.

Not just the 12 Days of Christmas (which I have loved) But Secret Santa Gifts on my front porch. Generosity from friends and family. Help crafting presents. Cards. Gifts. Treats. Thoughtful acts of service and kindness. And for as much as my kids love it, I know I appreciate it even more. I think I have cried every day during these 12 days. Every time the doorbell rings I start crying again. I pray every night for these families that are thinking of us. I ask Heavenly Father to help me do something. anything. The more I receive the more I cry. I can hardly even figure out what it is I am feeling.


I think that last one is the hardest. I have never felt so selfish in my life. Just keeping my own head above water has been exhausting this past month- how can I serve others? It isn't that I haven't wanted to. Or tried. Wasn't that the point of the Relief Society Scripture night? To share my love of the Scriptures? But even that almost drowned me. But is it that obvious to everyone else? Are we the family that needs help? So here I am. Paralyzed. Wanting to serve. Wanting to share. Wanting to give.

And instead- the doorbell rings with more love for my own family.

I have no idea who is doing all of this.
I think I am too embarrassed to even want to know.
And I am certain that if they wanted me to know who it was- they would stick around on the front porch while I wipe my eyes and answer the door.

So, if you are reading this. And you have stood on my front porch this month doing something kind for me or my family. And you have rang the doorbell and wondered if what you are doing is making a difference...

Thank you.
wow, those words seem small compared to all that you have given me. How can I make those words sound as big as they feel?

Thank You
still not big enough :)

1 comment:

  1. Your post brought tears to my eyes because so many of those feelings are familiar to me in the past several months. What a blessing to be so loved by those around us. I hope you'll continue to feel the beauty of the Christmas season!