And the Ocsar goes to....
It is no secret that I have dreamed of the day that I would sit in the soft chairs of the Kodak Theater anxiously awaiting the taring of an envelope and the announcement that I, Katie Nelson (of course I am still using my maiden name so that the fans that have adored me for years before I was married will still know me, but maybe I should hyphenate it? Katie Nelson-Tyler, yep, that is better) I, Katie Nelson- Tyler, have won the Academy Award. I picture myself half way back in the theater, since of course, I am an underdog that is not expected to steal the award from my other amazing fellow nominees: Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet, and Kristen Stewart (ok, my side hurts from laughing at that one). But really, no one is surprised when they call my name. They all nod their heads, clapping with approval as they look around the room for a first glance at me in my gown. I, however, am completely stunned. JT (in his sexy tux) has to nudge me to stand up. I kiss him and some of my costars and then head up to the stage praying that I don't trip in my heels on my way up the stairs with Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum on the front row.
And now the moment that has entered my dreams and fantasies since I was a child. The speech.
I am tearing up now (and grateful that Lancome has offered me a job as their spokes model and therefore have a lifetime supply of waterproof mascara) when they hand me the Award. I can feel the cold, smooth Oscar in my hands and can't believe it is actually happening to me. I start wanting to thank everyone who has ever loved me. I feel the warmth of the spotlight on my face and forget that there are tall supermodels waiting to escort me off the stage before the next commercial. It is my moment. And now for the speech...
ok, this is where it ends. I have no speech. Not even a note card. No this isn't the dream sequence where you get to class and realize you haven't studied all semester. Or where you show up to work naked. It isn't embarrassing, it just ends here. I have never dreamed of the actual speech.
Would it be weird to say that I have been pondering about this for a week or two now? (I guess nothing I say comes as much of a shock to anyone) I have thought about this, and analyzed it much more than a girl who isn't actually nominated for an Academy Award (or even in show business for that matter) should think about it.
Why don't I have the speech? The truth is- I don't exactly know what I am nominated for. (because we both know- I haven't starred in any Hollywood movies lately)
I recently went on a date with a girl friend to the Symphony. (fancy, right?) And I was struck by my own Ordinariness. (whoa, that is actually a word? according to spell check: yes) I took in all of the fantastic talent and felt extremely common. I tried to think of what fabulous talent I have to offer the world- and I came up blank. Blank. That is when the word Ordinary began to haunt me. Followed by it's synonyms: average, unremarkable, unexceptional. The list is not too impressive. So why does an unexceptional girl like me dream of receiving an Oscar?
Naturally, a girl in the fashion industry (as a Hairstylist) would be drawn to the Red Carpet. I could watch those gowns, shoes, and hairstyles all night long! Spending hours getting all glammed up would be a dream come true!
Maybe it is because I did always want to be an actress as a child. I love the theater. I love the movies. I love the emotions that a brilliant performance can inspire. I love the idea of transforming into other characters and other times. (and doing a few stunts sounds kinda cool, too!)
Maybe it is the attention. You know, the "all eyes on me" as I walk down the Red Carpet snapping pictures for Us Weekly and talking about who I am wearing. The moment when the audience erupts in applause and the cameras turn to me while my costars rise to start the standing ovation. We all know that I kinda enjoy the spotlight.
Or maybe it is the Fame. I want people to recognize my name. (so maybe I shouldn't hyphenate it... too long? yeah ok, just Katie Tyler) Would it be so bad to have everyone know who you are? Not have to wait in line at Olive Garden? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be recognized for being the best in your craft? The Best.
When it all comes down to it- I guess I just want to be known for doing something amazing. For being "the best" at something! The problem is- Ordinary is not synonymous with Amazing. So how do I get from one to the other? I am not a Concertmaster (a word I learned from a talented friend- it is the fancy way of saying the lead violinist who runs the show in an Orchestra- or something like that), or an American Idol, or an Olympian, or even a super talented anything.
I guess the reason I don't have a speech prepared is that I am not even sure what I want to win. What do I want to be famous for? What am I even capable of being famous for?
On my mission- the single most powerful experience I had was one rainy night having the realization that I could be amazing. That I could do amazing things. The possibility that I could dream big. Sad to say, at 23 years old, the thought of Dreaming Big had never even occurred to me.
With the 84th Annual Academy Awards fast approaching, and personally having received no nominations, I think it is safe to assume I will not be needing that speech anytime soon. (Or the $2000 Jimmy Choo shoes I just bought for the occasion) And since I won't be spending the next few weeks in photo shoots, signing autographs, or trying on jewelry- I guess I can spend some time figuring out how to be amazing...
Don't worry. Someday there will be an award show, I will have my beautiful gown, my moment in the spotlight, my chance to "thank the academy and my wonderful husband" and my moment to figure out just what it is that keeps me from being ordinary.