Saturday, November 26, 2011

For JT

So I think it is pretty clear that I express myself better in writing. This may be due to the fact that I am a bit of a "passionate" person. And if you missed JT's talk on Sunday- "95% of the time that is a great thing... but the other 5% may be a little difficult" for those who live with or love me. (as I am sure any of my family, former room mates, or mission companions could tell you) So I have learned a way to deal with the "passionate" side of me.

I have warned JT that there is a price to pay for me being a Thinker and Not a Fighter. This means I take a long time to think through my feelings before I start any kind of argument or bring up any kind of issue. This isn't mature or noble of me, it is really due to the fact that I have to win- so I will not even begin an argument unless I am certain that I can prove I am right. JT knows when I am stewing on something, but he gives me my space until I have decided whether it is worthy of a fight or not. (in most cases- Not) Now, I am not bottling this all up. I would literally explode. I have a journal. Ok, Ok, we might as well call it a diary because it has little to do with real events or experiences. Mostly just a place to vent. To test out my arguments. To be passionate without consequence. So the price he pays for a kind wife - is a diary. A diary he is never to read, and may even want to burn when I die so that my posterity will not be shocked. It is a dangerous book to read. But after realizing what a One Sided Story it tells- I decided I should frequently insert the truth.

The truth that my life is wonderful. That my husband is my soul mate. That I am deeply happy.

And today- my Blog gets to be that entry.

This week was a hard week. Only my "diary" can hold all of it. We have been put through the ringer. I know that this spikes your curiosity- but that is about as much detail as you get. I wish I could say more. I was feeling absolutely drained when I saw that one of "my girls" was going through the Temple for the first time today to prepare for her Mission! (a girl that I have taught and adored since she was 7 years old!) I felt like this was the last thing I could handle this week. And yet I knew I wanted to be there for her. When I was getting the kids out the door early this morning to be watched by my Sister in law- JT arrived home from work. I wished he could be going with me- but he had worked long hours and needed sleep. I felt like I needed him with me today and yet I knew he needed sleep desperately.

As I entered the Temple without him I felt the weight of the week press down on me. I struggled to put on my Happy Face. To smile when I want to cry. To make it through.

And then it happened-

Right before I was to go in and take my seat, the line of people ahead of me shifted. It was truly as if the clouds parted and there he stood. Quietly laughing with a friend. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had just left him at home exhausted and half asleep! The minute I believed it was him and not just a dream- I began to cry. And cry.

This must have seemed ridiculous to those around me. After all- he is my husband. Hadn't I just seen him? Why would I be so excited? They had no idea.

To JT- You are my Hero. I would be so lost without you. I would be weaker and smaller. I would have forgotten myself a million times. I don't know what I did to deserve you. I know that I do deserve you. You were there when I needed you most and least expected it. You held my hand when I felt empty. You are my Best Friend. You are everything to me. I love you always-

And I hope this makes up for the 5% of "difficult passionate" that I have been this week.


  1. Awww. You're right. You have spiked my curiousity. Whatever it is I hope you get through it without any more tears. Hopefully things will get better. Know you're loved. :)

  2. I guess with that cliff hanger -- I should say I am feeling a million times better :)

  3. I actually disagree with the first sentence of this post. I think you have a special knack for verbal communication--I think that's why you're such a great speaker/teacher.